简洁英语幽默笑话大全？

冷笑话作为一种新兴的语言现象，越来越受到大家的关注，尤其在网路、杂志、微博、**上十分盛行。下面我整理了简洁英语幽默笑话，希望大家喜欢!

简洁英语幽默笑话品析

St Peter's question

圣彼德的问题

Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the accountant had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and mands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".

有三个人死了，分别是一名医生、一名会计和一名律师。他们来到了圣彼德面前。圣彼德对他们说，如果他们想进入天堂，就得每人回答一个问题。圣彼德看着医生开始发问，“以前**院放过一部**，说的是一艘船撞击冰山后沉没，**的名字是什么?”　医生回答，“<<泰坦尼克号>>”，医生随即被允许进入天堂。然后圣彼德看着会计说，“船上有多少人遇难?”。会计很走运，因为他刚看过这部**，回答道，“1500人遇难。”圣彼德把会计也放进天堂了。最后，圣彼德转过身，看着律师，非常严肃地用命令的口吻问道，“把1500人的名字都说出来?”

经典简洁英语幽默笑话

A *** art housewife

精明的家庭主妇

A *** art housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half ofthe coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stovecan save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"

一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了!一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗?”

关于简洁英语幽默笑话

Be Careful What You Wish For

慎重许愿

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell onthe same day.

一对结婚25周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a lovingcouple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

庆祝活动中，一位仙女出现了。她说，由于他们是已经结婚25年的恩爱夫妻，因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had thetickets in her hand.

妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯!”的一声，她的手中出现了一张票。

Next, it was the hu *** and's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like tohave a woman 30 years younger than me."

接下来该丈夫许愿了。他犹豫片刻，害羞地说，“那我想要一位比我年轻30岁的女人。”

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

仙女拾起了魔术棒。“呯!”，他变成了90岁。

简洁英语幽默笑话欣赏

Expensive Advice

昂贵的建议

The doctor finally reached his table at a dinner, after breaking away from a woman who soughtadvice on a health problem.

大夫在打发走了一个就健康问题向他咨询的妇女之后，最后来到餐桌上。

"Do you think I should send her a bill?" the doctor asked a lawyer who sat next to him.

“你认为我应该向她收费吗?”大夫问坐在身边的一个律师。

"Why not?" the lawyer replied. "You rendered professional services by giving advice."

“有什么不应该?”律师答道，“你通过提建议提供了职业 *** 。”

"Thanks," the physician said. "I think I'll do that."

“谢谢，”大夫说道，“看来我得这么做。”

When the doctor went to his office the next day to send the bill to the woman, he found aletter from the lawyer. It read:

第二天当大夫去办公室给那位妇女写账单时，他收到律师的一封信。信中写道：

"For legal services, $50."

“请付法律服务费50美元。”

简洁英语幽默笑话品味

A Bad Impression

一个坏印象

My hu *** and and I are both writers. During dinner conversations, we often tell our childrenabout our working days. It wasn't clear how much they absorbed until one day I overheard myseven-year- old, Lucy, cry out in frustration at her five-year-old sister, Charlotte, "You, you...you editor!"

我丈夫和我都是作家。晚夕谈话中，我们经常给孩子们谈到我们的工作。没人清楚他们听懂了多少。直到有一天，我偶然听到七岁的女儿卢希烦恼地向她五岁的妹妹喊道：“你，你----你这个编辑!”

双语幽默英语笑话

笑话是内容丰富并具有出乎意料结尾的幽默口头故事。下面我整理了短英语幽默笑话，希望大家喜欢!

短英语幽默笑话摘抄

Friend for Dinner

请朋友吃饭

Honey, said the hu *** and to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.

“亲爱的，”丈夫对妻子说：“我邀请了一位朋友回家吃晚饭。”

What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I havent been shopping, all the dishes are dirty,and I dont feel like cooking a fancy meal!

“什么?你疯了吗?我们的房子乱糟糟的，我很久没有买过东西回来了，所有的碗碟都是脏的，还有，我可不想做一餐累死人的晚饭。”

I know all that.

“这些我全都知道。”

Then why did you invite a friend for supper?

“那你为什么还要邀请朋友回来吃晚饭?”

Because the poor fools thinking about getting married.

“因为那个可怜的笨蛋正考虑要结婚呢。”

短英语幽默笑话鉴赏

The Fourth Element

第四元素

Teacher: What are the four element of nature?

老师：自然界的四大元素是什么?

Student: Fire, air, earth, and... and ...

学生：火、气、和。。。和。。。

Teacher: And what? Just think it over, what do you wash your hands with?

老师：和什么?想一想， 你用什么洗手的?

Student: Soap!

学生：肥皂。

短英语幽默笑话赏析

Boxing and Running

拳击和赛跑

Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, soI’m teaching my boy to fight."

丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”

Friend: "But suppose he es up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also beentaught how to box."

朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办?”

Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."

丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”

短英语幽默笑话欣赏

Make your fortune

计划你的将来

"How did you make your fortune?"

“你是怎么计划你的将来的?”

"I became the partner of a rich man.He had the money and I had the experience."

“我变成一个富人的合伙人，他有钱，我有经验。”

"How did that help?"

“那有什么用?”

"Now he has the experience and I the money."

现在他有经验了，我有钱。”

短英语幽默笑话品味

The Looney Bin

疯人院

Late one night at the insane asylum ***疯人院***one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Anotherone said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice fromanother room shouted, "I did not!"

一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：“我是拿破仑!”另一个说：“你怎么知道?”第一个人说：“上帝对我说的!”一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：“我没说!”

短英语幽默笑话品析

会说话的钟 Talking clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的?”他的一个朋友问他。

"That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这 *** !现在是凌晨两点钟了!”

经典的短英语幽默笑话

长寿秘诀 Secret For a Long Life

A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

一位女士走向坐在门廊的椅子上摇动的小老头。

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she says.

“我无意中发现，你是多么幸福，”那女士说。

"What's your secret for a long, happy life?"

“你幸福而长寿的秘密是什么?”

"I *** oke three packs a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, everexercise."

“我每天抽三包烟，每周喝一箱威士忌，吃高脂肪食品，而且从来不曾锻炼。”

"Wow, that's amazing," says the woman.

“哦，真神奇，”女士说。

"How old are you?"

“你高寿?”

"Twenty-six."

“二十六。”

关于短英语幽默笑话

控制女人的男人 Two Lines In Heaven

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.God es and says "I want the men to make twolines.One line for the men that dominated their women on earthand the other line for the menthat were whipped by their women.Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

世上的每一个人都上了天堂 神说 :" 要男人分成两队 , 一是在世上控制女人的男人 ,另一是被女人鞭打的男人 .另外女子自成一队 , 跟着圣彼德去 ."

Said and done, and there are two lines. The line of the menthat were whipped was 100 mileslong,and the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.

队伍列好后 , 一是被女人鞭打的 ,有 100 英里长 , 一是在世上控制女人的 ,仅有一人 .

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.I created you in my imageand you were all whipped by your mates.Look at the only one of my sons that stood up andmade me proud.Learn from him! Tell them, my son,how did you manage to be the only one onthat line?"The man said, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

神生气的说 :" 你们男人应该感到羞耻 ,我按照自己的形象创造了你们 ,而你们被女子鞭打 . 看看 , 我唯一的儿子 ,站着使我骄傲 . 你们应该向他学习 .告诉他们 , 儿子 ,你如何成为唯一站在这一队上的 ?"这男子回说 :" 我不知道 , 我太太叫我站在这的 !"

双语幽默英语笑话汇集

　1、话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。

　A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大拇指道：「I AM 后羿!」

　B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM 丘比特!」

　轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出!结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」

　Note by Jodie: 此处用西班牙口音说Sorry肥更有趣

　2、昨天来了个外国人，进到办公室，前台**左看右看，大家都在打游戏，只有自己比较清闲，就面带微笑的："Hello?"

　外国人："Hi."

　前台**："You have what thing?"(你有什么事?)

　外国人："Can you speak English?"(你会讲英语吗)

　前台**："If I not speak English， I am speaking what?"(如果我不会说，那我现在说的什么)

　外国人："Can anybody else speak English? "(还有谁能讲英语吗)

　前台**："You yourself look. all people are playing，no people have time， you can wait， you wait， you not wait， you go."(你自己看看，所有人都在玩呢，都没空，你愿意等就等，不愿意就走你)

　外国人：I want to ask about online shopping.(我想咨询下关于网上购物的事情)

　前台**:Online shopping?is Use Internet shopping，You de understand?(网上购物?就是用上网购物，你的明白?)

　外国人：。。。。。

　前台**：you can baidu?top leader?!!你可以去百度?尚品领袖?

　外国人：。。。。"Good heavens. anybody here can speak English?"(我的上帝，这儿有谁会说英语吗?) I want to speak to your head."(我想和你的领导谈谈)

　前台**："Head not zai.You tomorrow come."(头儿不在，你明天再来吧)

　3、Bad news and good news 好消息和坏消息

　An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

　一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。

　"I've got good news and bad news," owner replied.

　?这有好消息和坏消息，?老板回答。

　"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

　?好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。

　When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.

　我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。?

　"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed," What's the bad news?"

　?真是太好了?，艺术家是喜形于色，?那坏消息是什么?

　With concern, the gallery owner replied,"The guy was your doctor."

　带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，?买画的人是你的医生?。

　4、女儿的来信

　Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters, Joan says, my daughter is at the university.

　She?s very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary.

　Her neighbor says you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank.

　Joan和她的邻居在一起聊天，聊到各自的女儿;Joan说我女儿在上大学。她很聪明，你知道的。每次我们接到她的来信，我们都要查字典。

　她的邻居说，你真幸运!每次我们接到我女儿的信，我们都要去银行。

　5、A New Mum took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time.

　一个年轻的妈妈头一回带着她的宝贝女儿到超市买东西，

　She dressed her in pink from head to toe.

　她把小宝贝从头到脚穿上粉红色的衣服。

　At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.

　在商场，她把小女孩放在购物车里，把买来的东西都推在孩子周围。

　At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them.

　在付款台前排队时，一个小男孩和他妈妈正好排在她们前面。

　The child was crying and begging for some special treat.

　那个小男孩在哭，看上去在向他妈要着什么东西，年轻的妈妈想，

　He wants some candy or gumand his mother won't let him have any, she thought.

　这个小孩一定是要糖果或是口香糖之类的玩意儿，而他妈妈又不给，所以才闹得这么厉害。

　Then she heard his mother's reply.

　然而就在这个时候，她听到男孩的妈妈一边回答说，

　"No!"she said, looking in her direction.

　?不行，?一边往她的方向看过来，

　"You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one"

　?你今天不能买一个小妹妹了，那位女士把最后一个买走了!?

?

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　6、Mike:Mum,I want to watch TV.

　Mum:There is no electricity tonight.

　Mike:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on.

　迈克：妈妈，我想看电视。

　妈妈：今晚停电了。

　迈克：那我们就点着蜡烛看吧。

　7、Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　好孩子

　小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

　?昨天给你的钱干什么了?

　?我给了一个可怜的`老太婆，?他回答说。 ?你真是个好孩子，?妈妈骄傲地说。?再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?

　?她是个卖糖果的。?

　8、Teacher: Here are two bird,one is a swallow,the other is a sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which?

　Student: I can't point out but i know the answer.

　Teacher: Please tell us.

　Student: The swallowis beside the sparrow,and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

　两只小鸟

　老师：这里有两只小鸟，一只是燕子，另一只是麻雀，谁能告诉我们哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗?

　学生：我不会分辨但我知道答案。

　老师：那请你告诉我们。

　学生：燕子旁边的是麻雀，麻雀旁边的是燕子。

　9、A dog can play the piano 会弹钢琴的狗

　A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

　The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

　The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink onthe house!"

　So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.

　Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

　Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.

　The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

　The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

　一个人带着他的狗走进一家酒吧。

　酒吧服务生对他说，?这里不能带狗进来，请离开吧!?

　那个人对服务生说，?这可不是一般的狗，它可是会弹钢琴的!?

　服务生回答说，?呃，如果它真的能弹钢琴，你们可以免费在这喝上一杯!?

　那个人把狗放到了弹钢琴坐的凳子上面，狗就开始了演奏，先是拉格泰姆音乐、接着弹莫扎特还有其它的 服务生和顾客们都非常欣赏它的弹奏。

　突然，一只体型更大的狗跑了进来，一把抓住小狗的脖子就把它拽出去了。

　酒吧服务生问那个人，?那是怎么回事?

　那人回答，?噢，那是它妈妈。她不想它儿子玩音乐，而是做一名医生。?

　10、Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?

　Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.

　老师：如果莎士比亚还活着，他会是一名伟人吗?

　学生：当然。因为到目前为止，还没有人活到400多岁。

　11、Mr. Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.

　Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.

　史密斯先生：服务员，我的汤里有一只死苍蝇.

　服务员：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被烫死的.

　12、Son: Dad, give me a dime.

　Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes?

　Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you?

　儿子：爸爸，给我一角钱。

　父亲：儿子，你不认为你已经长大了，不该再老是一角一角地要钱了(该自立了)，不是吗?

　儿子：爸爸，我想你是对的，那给我一块钱行吗?

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